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Folks, I think it's time people started TALKING......................About Domestic Violence. too many people are seriously hurt or killed each year and their loved ones/acquaintances reveal stuff after the fact that could have helped before the situation turned ugly. People don't like talking about what's going on in their lives for fear of how others will percieve them. Time to put a STOP to this.
All victims/survivors of domestic violence, if you want to, reply. maybe we can start a support group right here. All others interested, jump in. I had someone to talk to when it happened to me, and if you need an ear, holla back.
Or, if you think this is too deep for this forum, let me know............. :

Although this issue is not talked about a lot, its very real. I've been by the side of a few friends that were beaten on a regular. For me, the most frustrating thing about domestic violence, was the women's denial of how bad the situation was, and refusing to get help. I can't help my friends if they won't help themselves. Maybe if people talked about it more, and people were more sympathetic to the issue, more women would feel to confront it.

you made some valid points there sister. but here is the thing. i understand how you feel about some women denying the fact that they are being abused, but a person can never understand the fear that comes with abuse unless one is in that abusive situation. i was abused and almost killed by my ex husband and let me tell you, it was scary as hell. i have some of the baddest men in my family and i was so afraid of my spouse that i didn't tell anyone what was happening to me until he tried to kill me. please, folks, try to have some patience with people you know who are in this because they need all the support they can get. i have completely gotten over my experience and have since remarried and have a wonderful mate and for the last 8 years, have been able to actually sleep without having nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night to check doors and windows. as i said, i have gotten over it, but rest assured, i have not forgotten what happened to me and i really would like to share some of my experiences (good and bad) with people out there. another misconception that victims/survivors of domestic abuse have is that it is shameful and they are to blame. it happens all the time. until we can find the strength within us to say no more, that feeling will prevail and we will lose ourselves. i truly believe that.
looking forward to your comments/responses/questions.

i don't think this topic is too deep 4 this forum, bcuz hell, in the caribbean domestic violence occurs a lot. everything from women getting blows or chopped to wives crippling or injuring men. we r aware of the problems but need resolutions. it seems as if it's almost becoming ok for men/women 2 damage each other and the longer it continues the more it will brainwash ppl in2 thinking it's ok in society (at least younger generatons). aside from just locking up the abuser, they need 2 be educated and guided just as much as the victim so they have a better understanding on dealing with their anger problems or whateva hang ups it is 2 abuse u'r lover. locking them up and throwing away the key is not the answer. neither is torture, but thatz another topic ent? :)

at n e rate more resources should be available not only for when domestic violence occurs, but more marital counseling and guidance available for couples whose relationship's start 2 escalate on an intense level.

salt

thanks, salt. i am trying to hook up with a local health center in my community to speak to victims of domestic abuse. a lot of people forget that children are victims as well. the cycle will continue if kids see this stuff going on in their homes and will think that's the way life is supposed to be. that's the reason i got out of my situation cause i would not have been alive today if i hadn't, and my son would be raised by the person who caused my demise and would have had no values/morals to live by. we need to talk about this every chance we get. i am also trying to hook up with a local elementary school here in boston because it's never too early to talk to kids about life and the things that can happen. so many kids come form homes where violence is an everyday occurence and they have no coping skills in and outside the home. i know i am very passionate about this but this is what i decided to make my life's work. one way or another, i will get someone to listen. really listen. thanks again.

Like Lordsalt said, I think the perception of it in the Caribbean is different than it is here.

I used to go to an all girls high school in JA, and sometimes when you hear how some of the girls talked proudly about their men beating them and shoving them around you wouldn't believe it.

I think many younger women in JA feel like if their man isn't beating them, he doesn't love them. This attitude is rampant in some of the poorer neighborhoods.

I have sooo many friends who I've seen get into fist fights with their significant other on a regular basis and no one seems to think anything of it.

There was a man who used to live around my way in JA, and he went to the police station to report that his wife was assaulting him. The policemen laughed at him, threw him out of the station, and told him he is no kind of man --- he should be the one giving out the beatings.

Not trying to justify the situation, but in the Caribbean, most of the times, its not a one-sided thing like the man/woman beating up their spouse -- its usually a fight where both parties are guilty of abuse.

i had to put this topic to the top....

thank you MBR.

last night i heard my neighbour being beaten by her husband and i knocked on the door. she cussed me out and told me to stay out of her business. i am so afraid that one day she will not recover from one of her beatings. her cussing me out isn't going to faze me but i don't know how to help if she is not willing to accept help. it's awful, and i know exactly what she is going through but what can i do? they have a 2 year old child and she cries all the time. i am so frustrated today. i don't want to go home and see crime scene tape outside my apartment but sooner or later, that is what will happen.

My oldest sister is in an abusive marriage. She is a grown educated woman in her late 30s that is married to a tyrant. They have 2 children together. The man abuses her in every way - mentally, emotionally & physically and it's been going on for years. We didn't grow up witnessing any abuse take place within our parent's marriage and nobody in my family can understand why she's allowing him to do this to her We have all intervened on her behalf, we have been as supportive as we can be but yet she's still there. Yes he has beaten her in front of the kids : And that to me is unforgivable. Their son is 13 & will probably end up treating women the same way his father does. Their daughter is gonna be 7 this summer & might grow up thinking this is how men are supposed to treat women so she may continue the cycle when she gets older. The cops have been to her house but she always ends up refusing to press charges. She has packed up her things & taken the kids & moved out. She always goes back to him. And when she does, she disappears out of our lives for quite awhile because they are both ashamed & embarrassed. We are all afraid 1 day he will end up killing her But how can you help someone that won't help themselves?

sorry to hear about your sister. she most likely wants help but is so afraid of her husband that she will put up a good front. in cases like this, it's unfortunate that the best thing to do right now is let it be. it's hard and it's frightening, but bottom line, a person will not get out of a situation like that until they are ready. keep the faith sister and if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. trust me, i can give you a lot of info/insight about this.

Growing up in Antigua i felt i witnessed more than my share of domestic abuse, my aunt and her husband used to fight eah other neither backing down till they have damaged each other enough to require a trip to the hospital. I feel that in the caribbean allot of domestic abuse cases are taboo, no one ever wants to talk about their existence and in some cases you had people beliving that the woman/man deserved thier blows... And then its hard starting over when the abuser is the sole provider, many islands economies are in sad states where do u take your chlidren, how do they eat, some family members offer help but people,( family or not) only help for so long...there should be resorces available for a person needing to start over from such a situation, but in alot of cases they aren't...
My worst experince with domestic abuse was my neighbor who used to get the shit beat out of her from her husband... at night and early morning i could hear the gurl bawling for someone to help ( bear in mind i was about 14 at the time) i talked to my mommy about this and she said she would handle it ...... Well it stopped for a while about 2 months later i heard her screaming again and i decided to call the police they went to the house it was about 4am and arrested the husband and the police told them that i called ...HAH when the man come out of jail he told me i would pay ... i did not belive him, i should have ...one day i was coming home from school (took the shorcut thru the bushes) the man and his wife rass me properly for sticking in their business i had a broken leg and bruises all over, his wife tells me that is what i get for being nosey... my mom pressed charges he served maybe 8 months in jail...
Fast forward i am 23, my mom calls me at work and tells me the abused next door neighbor is arrested for attempted murder she chopped him a couple of times with a cutlass and then buned him with scalding water.. she got 7yrs .. on my last visit i went to see her, we spoke she apologised for rassing me but she said that at that time she could not do any better than him... and i belive her..
Many times society judge on why would a person stay in abusive relationships and marriages, how many of us will take a stranger or family indefinitely in our homes and help them get on their feet after leaving their mates, how many of us would clothe and feed their children, there is not allot of help available for such cases even in the US, about 6 months ago there was a case on the news, Florida housing refused a woman shelter because there was nothing availabe, left with no choice she went home to her husband,who beat her so bad she was unconcious for days.

I agree with Salt its gonna take alot of education/counseling and finance...to help combat this issue, but is it considered precedence among elected official ?

Amprincess- I think there's many different reasons why one would allow someone to beat up on them. I think the number one reason is a low sense of self-worth. Too many times people in abusives relationships, whether mantally or physically, believe they are too lucky to have this man and that if they leave no one will ever love them. What I believe is that any relationship where it is violence, there is no love. Love is self-growth, respect, joy, trust, commitment, honor, and a commitment to seeing and bringing out the very best in your partner. Violence on the other hand, breaks down, humiliates, stunts growth, and ultimately many are destroyed.
Another reason women stay in abusive relationships is because they've been socialized to do so. Research says that women whose witnessed their mothers getting abused are more likely to also get into abusive relationships. also men who watched their fathers abusing their mothers are more likely to be abusive.
Cookies and Salt, it is also true what you say- a lot of Caribbeans people tend to view domestic violence as normal. When I was younger, I use to say that I wasn't going to involve myself with a Caribbean man because all of the men I knew in my family were very abusive to both their women and their children. It wasn't until I got a little older that I realized all Caribbean men are not like that- But there are still far too many that are.
My outlook- Abuse is not about love, but rather about power. And when the will to power is paramount, love can not exist.

ladyhaiti, i understand your view but i beg to differ. in my case, i did not stay in the abusive relationship because i was socialized to do so, nor did i feel 'lucky' to have the man. i never experienced domestic violence of any kind while i was growing up. my family always treated their mates and everyone else with the utmost respect. my main reason for staying was fear and fear alone. i have an unexplained brain mass and a steel rod in my back because of the beatings i suffered. that was brought about because i was too scared to leave. bottom line. i could care less if i found another man to love me. that was not on my mind at all. i lost so much because of this. my chance to become a lawyer went out the window cause i can't study like i need to because of my injuries. as i stated in my earlier posts, unless one is in an abusive situation, one can't fully understand what makes a person stay. i was scared of my ex because i knew he would kill me. i have spoken to so many women about this and most agree on one thing. fear will keep you in it longer than anything else. a lot of women stay because of their kids and lack of financial stability but that is actually what made me leave and the day i left, my son was six months old, i turned 22 on that day and i decided that i had to get out right then cause i knew it would have been my last day alive if i didn't. this may sound a bit melodramatic, but it's the truth. so yes, low self-worth is a factor in these instances, but oftentimes, it occurs while the abuse is going on and not before. i was always one of the most confident people you'd meet until my experience with this type of horror. two years after i left, i was still picking up the pieces of my shattered life and i had to dream new dreams for my future. domestic violence causes all kinds of problems, not just physical, and as soon as everyone starts accepting that fact, we'll be on the road to finding a way to stop it. not before.

I'm hearing you. I wasn't implying these are the only reasons, just a huge factor. You're right, fear is a big factor, but what I don't understand is how does one wake up and find themself in an abusive relationship? Are there truly early warning signs, or does the person just totally transform?

for me there were signs and i didn't pay them any mind cause they were so subtle. these abusers are also very adept at being smooth and convincing. so yeah, when the sh** hit the fan, it was unbelievably scary from the onset. other women i've spoken to said that they saw signs and thought things would get no worse than verbal abuse. but every case is different.........