Why White Women Are Winning.” As you can imagine, black women (if not already) will soon be up in arms defending their “choice” to remain single.
Whether or not (most likely not) they will admit to it, black women generally struggle with admitting to falling short in areas that have proven to be strengths in other groups of women. White women, in particular, marry in far greater percentages than black women; and, more and more of them are marrying black men. Thus, black women who want to get married need to understand that they have to step up their game. Statistics and unbiased observation show that, when it comes to the wives club white women make up the Winners’ Circle. According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention):
While 17% of Hispanic and 12% of non-Hispanic white women have not married by age 35, 42% of non-Hispanic black women have not married by this age.
Among the first things the author lists as a roadblock for black women is our perception of marriage:
With the odds in their favor and a societal veneration of marriage, white women will more than likely find who and what they want in partnership. Therefore, they have the luxury of approaching their dating life with a more optimistic attitude and more discerning requirements for potential mates. Do communities of color hold the same hallowed respect or feel the same societal pressures to form the ultimate union? Precipitous erosion of the black nuclear family and generational, single-parent households suggest a different perception of marriage. Equally as troubling is a potential systemic shift in the psyche of young black children regarding marriage. A 2006 account of one Washington Post journalist’s visit to a DC-area middle school unveiled that some among our future generations already believe that marriage is for white people.
Do white women have more options than black women? Yes and no. As the reigning standard for beauty, there certainly aren’t many groups of men who do not date them. Additionally, white women tend to be equal-opportunity daters. There lies the favor. That said, they are a bit more optimistic than black women when it comes to finding a husband because they don’t fall victim to ‘the shortage’ of available, desirable black men.
Black women have to stop equating interracial dating with self-hate. Interracial dating doesn’t mean black or the other; it means black and the other. Traditional standards of beauty are evolving in our favor, more and more ‘other’ men are openly dating and marrying black women. We just have to be receptive and let go of the notion that dating a white man is abandonment.
Secondly, marriage isn’t just for white people and it is more than a piece of paper. Single-parenting and having children out-of-wedlock has not benefited the black community. Sadly, most of our children have no idea what it is like to grow up in a whole family or ever see Mommy and Daddy married. Hence, black women (caught in a vicious cycle) continue to accept being called ‘wifey’ rather than becoming a wife. White women, on the other hand, expect to get the ring and check off spouse. They still view marriage as the ultimate union while black women refute its importance. Our lower expectations for commitment are the reason there are more (never married) baby mamas than married women. Raise the expectations, raise the results.
The article goes on mention:
The words of my best white girlfriend from college still ring in my ears. “Well, if I don’t find my husband in undergrad I will just go to grad school – that’s what my mom told me”. There she was at 19 thinking about a strategy to find her future husband; and there I was rolling my eyes and thinking how trivial and uninformed she seemed. I was in college to get an education to find a good job (like my mom told me), not to find a man. Fast forward 10 years and here I am, along with a lot of my girlfriends, just waking up to the reality of dating and trying to now put our husband strategies in place. White women are winning because they are planning ahead.
Generally speaking, they are. Young, black women are raised to go to college to get an education, an education only. White women are there for both a degree and a husband. Rarely are they completely closed off to the possibly of meeting Mr. Right. Black women, on the other hand, focus all of their efforts on their careers only to be looking down at a bare finger 10 years later. I look at my group of friends and see the same thing. Most of the white women I know in their mid-twenties to early thirties are either engaged or married, some with children. There is a balance that we must find. It doesn’t make you any less driven because in addition to an education you are in the market for a potential husband. We say that they are looking for handouts and call them goldiggers when really they are just being smart. Black women want a man to pamper and provide for them, too. Does that make us golddiggers also? No. We are just silly for giving white women a head start.
It’s O.K. to put yourself in good position to meet the man you want, whether it is in college or as a young professional. Know the type of men you are interested in dating and put yourself around people in their circles. When you meet someone you like, pursue it. Don’t immediately put up your blockers because you have yet to conquer the world. Some of the happiest married couples have lasted through the years because they grew together. Marriage doesn’t mean you have to give up your dreams; it just means you have a loving hand there to support you.
Part of their strategy is doing things to keep their men once they have them. I wrote an article a few weeks ago about simple ways to make your man smile, a list of little things that spoil him. Unlike many black women, white women don’t turn their noses up at catering to their men. Black women should consider doing the same. No one is going to give you the world when all you give is half-heartedness. Thoughtfulness is an act of love. It’s not just about sex. If you want a man to stay around, he has to feel special, needed…loved.
Lastly, the author highlighted the ever-demonizing bad attitude:
Lastly, the author highlighted the ever-demonizing bad attitude:
True or not, one of the biggest complaints about black women I hear from black men is that sistas come with too much attitude…We have been demonized and painted as a venomous group, seemingly more masculine than our genteel and vulnerable white counterparts. So, does this cloud of negativity affect the level of sweetness and femininity we choose (or choose not) to bring to our man each day? One eligible Southern brotha thinks so. In his opinion, too many of today’s professional black women are “too high-strung, overly critical, too sassy at times and no longer carry themselves with quiet strength and grace.”
Like it or not, many black men feel this way and they have disseminated the perceptions to their non-black peers. The corporate bulldog inside often shows on our faces. Black women have had a very different experience in this country than white women, as we began our journey as slaves while they were kept. Our emasculated and oppressed men left us to head families alone. As nurturers and protectors, caretakers and providers, we have been burdened with trying to maintain balance in matriarchal community. As a result, black femininity sometimes resembles overly emotional masculinity—brash but too sensitive to accept any type of criticism.
Some of us can be too mouthy. We more often than not have something to say and just don’t know when to shut up. For men, decorum is important. If you want to be a wife, train yourself to know when to stop or just remain quiet. We have forgotten the strength in silence and the grace in knowing when and when not to speak. Am I saying ‘stay in your place, women’? No, I am saying act like a lady. White women can recklessly fire off without repercussions. You cannot—not if you plan on getting married. Consider toning it down a little, being less confrontational and embracing inaudible muscle. We can make just as much (if not more) of an impression exerting restraint as popping off. Discerning women are heard loudest.
Finally, the ideal woman, according to the southern gentleman quoted above, allows a man to be a man. Is this a trait unique to white women? No; but, some black women do struggle with the idea of submission. Let me say this: WE ARE NOT MEN. Never will be. They are physically stronger than us and genetically programmed differently. Allowing a man to be a man is not a bad thing. You are simply giving him permission to be who is supposed to be, to do the things he is supposed to do. A submissive woman is far from weak. Men are successful because of the supportive, inspirational, encouraging women in their lives. Don’t be afraid to give him center stage; your shine is your shine. Let him be the protector; let him be the provider; let him be all that he has been ordained to be. A good man doesn’t want to depend on you. Take that as a good thing—follow your dreams and don’t worry about using the money you earn to pay bills.
Yes white women may be winning; but, the game isn’t over. Before getting angry, try introspecting. What could you do differently–better? Accept the challenge. You still have time to step up to the plate and start swinging for the long run.
they happy that you don't give a shit since they know this will keep your miserable life where it belong ....
Exactly and with that kind of attitude is the reason why many of them are at where they are today. As someone who has experience in the marriage club, I can personally say that many of the pointers the author is giving can be valuable indeed if someone is looking to get married, n to think they are getting it for free.
Its all in the mentality, if they still want to view white women as some kind of competition instead of focusing on the things they need to change about themselves as women to become marriageable things in the black community can change. I mean the things said are no different from the thins i've been saying on imix for he past 2 years. The only difference now is that more n more people are writing and making articles about this situation. So after all, i am not a bitter angry black man, i am a black man that want to see the best for black women but that is not going to happen because many of them just do not listen.
I say its equally unfair to the children that have to be brought into a world that do not have an idea, or clue, or feeling as to how it is to grow up in a home with a mother and a father, that is so sad and its not fair to them, the kids will always be the ones to suffer and to think many of them think that marriage is for white ppl is just as bad. This kind of mentality, behavior is what is destroying the fabric of the family unit and is taking the black community down with it. More n more people are becoming aware that the black man is not the only one at fault and people are starting to understand that the women play a part in the destruction as well, exactly the same thing i have been saying for over 2 years now and the TYPE of men they get involved with is another issue.
Yo it is what it is man, if many black women want to say whatever and just blow it off as who cares then that is exactly how other men will view them as to who cares. Like i said, all the niceness, all the playing submissive will only last a minute, they cannot go in it for the long run because in a matriarchy society in the black community, being matriarchal will eventually show its ugly face sooner or later, and when dealing with other races of men from another race who are use to being part of a patriarchal system, its only a matter of time there would be a clash and the relationship ends.
I cannot tell black men to man up and grow some balls and say i am the head of he house when that man have already been emasculated by his mother from birth. I felt the author should have also mentioned is to treat their young boys with respect, love and kindness and give them as much attention because these are the same boys that will g row up to be men. N studies show that young boys who receive love from their mother unconditionally tend to grow up and marry women who looks like their mother and be good men towards them. So in essence, many black women are raising boys to become unsuitable men for black women which in turn is doing a disservice to black women who are looking, or wanting to get married by a black man.
But like i said the mentality mindset of many black women have to change, or things will just continue to be the way they are. I always say things in the black community cannot change unless the black woman is willing to change herself also. Two hands have to clap, their is no benefit being a single mother in the black community, there is no benefit just being wifey with no ring, i do agree with the author that yes there is still time to change, but the real question is are they willing to change and if so, how soon if not ever.
Dont you wish..el capitane and Mr.Bago ... Like Ma done say Mek dem tek win....Bout time the blk race expanded its reaches and start mucking up de pristine white waters..LMAO...ahhh I stopped entertaining dese imix back and forths yrs ago. My passion and energies are best used else where...but I will continue to comment as i feel.
Smoooches Babes...May you find love where you find love.
OMG..i actually read your post BAGO.
Anyways just got back from the beach...It was realllly nice, and the water was soooooo warm and just perfect. Think i may have gotten a lil sun burn on the nose..any suggestions Bago20 since yuh seem chuck full em.