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Thread: Retards: They are everywhere.

  1. #1
    Players Play I Coach Swollen's Avatar Swollen is offline
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    Retards: They are everywhere.

    These are 33 answers on world history gather from Teachers.
    The went thru answers from 8th grade thru college.

    Lots of reading but entertaining.

    1: The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies,
    and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the
    Sarah Dessert, which they cultivated by irritation and
    over which they traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah
    is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain
    areas of the dessert are cultivated by irrigation. Ancient
    Egyptian women wore a calasiris, a loose-fitting garment
    which started just below the breasts which hung to the floor.

    2:The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
    book of the Bible, Guinness, Adam and Eve were created from
    an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, “Am I
    my brother's son?”
    3:Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
    4:Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
    5:God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount
    Montezuma.
    6:Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark.
    Jacob was a patriarch, who brought up his twelve sons to be
    patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
    Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
    7:Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
    straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
    unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
    Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
    Commandments, but he died before he ever got to Canada.
    8avid was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
    with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
    times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
    porcupines.
    9:The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without
    them we wouldn't have history.
    10:The Greeks invented three kinds of columns—Corinthian, Ironic, and Dork.
    11:They also created myths. A myth is a female moth.
    One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intolerable.
    12: Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer.
    Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last
    hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
    13:Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
    14:In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
    the biscuits, and threw the Java. The reward to the victor was
    a coral wreath.
    15:The government of Athens was democratic
    because people took the law into their own hands.
    Eventually, the Romans came along and conquered the
    Geeks.
    16:History calls people Romans because they never stayed
    in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests
    wore garlics in their hair.
    17:Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Caesar expired with these immortal words upon his dying lips: “Eat you, Brutus!” Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his
    poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
    18:The Romans were overrun by the ball bearings. Then
    came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King
    Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the age of
    shivery, with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful
    women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of
    Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and cannonized by
    Bernard Shaw. People contracted the blue bonnet plague,
    which caused them to grow boobs on their necks. Magna Carta
    provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
    offense. People performed morality plays, about ghosts, goblins,
    and other mythical creatures.
    19:In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The
    greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many
    poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells
    of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
    standing on his son's head.

    20:The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
    felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed
    to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.
    He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
    It was the ssculptor Donatello's interest in the female nude
    that made him the father of the Renaissance.
    21:It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible and removable type. Sir Walter Raleigh discovered cigarettes
    and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
    world with a 100-foot clipper.
    22:The government of England was a limited mockery.
    Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess
    on his knee.
    23:Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a
    Queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself
    before her troops, they all shouted, “Hurrah!” Then her navy
    went out and defeated the Spanish armadillo.
    Last edited by Swollen; 08-10-2010 at 01:35 AM.

  2. #2
    17 61 Ingram_Gordon's Avatar Ingram_Gordon is offline
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    summarize!!!
    Dragon IG :: http://instagram.com/islandmixusa

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    Players Play I Coach Swollen's Avatar Swollen is offline
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    24:The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
    Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is
    famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with
    his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In
    one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation
    by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another,
    Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by
    attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
    heroic couplet.
    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
    Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was
    John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died,
    and he wrote Paradise Regained.
    25uring the Renaissance America began. Christopher
    Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America
    while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the
    Nina, the Pintacolada, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
    crossed the ocean, and this is known as the Pill’s Grim
    Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
    greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their
    war hoops before them. The Indian squaws carried porpoises
    on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along
    with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter
    of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died,
    and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible
    for all this.
    26ne of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the
    English put tacks on their tea. Also, the colonists would send
    their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the
    colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
    27:The United States was founded by four fathers. Delegates
    from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
    Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
    were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
    had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a
    loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing
    cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against
    itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
    28:George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due
    time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution
    of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
    Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
    bare arms.
    29:Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent.
    Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
    cabin which he built with his very own hands. When Lincoln
    was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion
    there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
    Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
    back of an envelope.
    On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
    and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving
    picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
    Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
    time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called
    Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly
    noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the
    trees.
    30:Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a lot of music and had a
    great many children. He kept an old spinster up in his attic on
    which he practiced every day. Bach was the most famous composer
    in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half-German, half-Italian, and half-English. He was very large.
    Bach died from 1750 to the present.
    31:Ludwig van Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
    everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
    32:France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution
    was accomplished before it happened. The “Marseillaise” was
    the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into
    Napoleon.
    33uring the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of
    Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas
    came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
    Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense
    and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
    since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
    34:The sun never set on the British Empire because the
    British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

    35:Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
    63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life
    were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the
    final event which ended her reign.
    36:The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions
    and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a
    network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
    McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
    Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered
    a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
    wrote the Organ of the Species, Madman Curie discovered
    radio, and Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
    Last edited by Swollen; 08-10-2010 at 01:43 AM.

  4. #4
    I can only be me.... MadamStatuesque's Avatar MadamStatuesque is offline
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    first two lines told me the person that wrote this ent the sharpest tool in the shed
    Not a single ounce of fock shall be given today...

  5. #5
    Players Play I Coach Swollen's Avatar Swollen is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by GroovyLittleThing View Post
    first two lines told me the person that wrote this ent the sharpest tool in the shed
    These are answers to quizzes from real students across America.

    They just a consolidation sent to de writer from various teachers and professors

  6. #6
    I can only be me.... MadamStatuesque's Avatar MadamStatuesque is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by swallow View Post
    These are answers to quizzes from real students across America.

    They just a consolidation sent to de writer from various teachers and professors
    smh...
    Not a single ounce of fock shall be given today...

  7. #7
    Players Play I Coach Swollen's Avatar Swollen is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by GroovyLittleThing View Post
    smh...
    I laugh thru de whole ting.

    And to think some of it is from college students.

  8. #8
    I can only be me.... MadamStatuesque's Avatar MadamStatuesque is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by swallow View Post
    I laugh thru de whole ting.

    And to think some of it is from college students.
    Not hard to believe. There are students in college here that still don't know the difference between to, too, and two or past and passed or even vain or vein so how do they think they're gonna know history? They don't even possess the grammatical skills to write about it. I couldn't read past the first few lines though. My brain takes longer to process when I'm reading foolishness.
    Not a single ounce of fock shall be given today...

  9. #9
    Notchilous ladyrastafari's Avatar ladyrastafari is offline
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    and there are people who still say "irregardless" smh
    Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

    Velvet Glove. Iron Fist

    mi style still sharp .....u a A-Minor and dem a B-Flat

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