Results 1 to 11 of 11
Like Tree1Likes
  • 1 Post By Poca

Thread: Men and women should not be getting marriage and relationship advice...

  1. #1
    Get your passport & come ! EloquenceInc is offline
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    @fetegods
    Posts
    13,547
    Credits
    4,351,411

    Men and women should not be getting marriage and relationship advice...

    from their single homeboys/girls...they should just go straight to the source and ASK the people who are in the 50% of the marriage glass that is half full!

    What are your thoughts on this article (and I like many of the comments too)?

    Lydia Netzer: 15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years

    THURSDAY, APRIL 19, 2012

    15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years
    Today is my fifteenth wedding anniversary. I really love Dan, and I am proud of how awesome our marriage is. We certainly havenít killed each other yet. Hell, we havenít even maimed each other. We have not always been perfect, but we have made two cool kids, and we have always kept it interesting. For two people as weird and intense as Dan and I are, staying together this long is a big accomplishment. I know some people are surprised.


    Here we are going in to our reception. I had a big bow on the back of my dress. This is where we met.


    When Dan and I got married, we were 25 years old. Now, weíre staring down the barrel of 40. Looking back Iím surprised we didnít, as 25 year olds, self-destruct just for the heck of it. Now that we are older, we are perhaps surprisingly also wiser. Here are the things we have learned over the years, that helped us stay married and even happy for fifteen years. (Beyond that, youíre on your own. I canít promise another 15.) Our list does not resemble the one you will find in Cosmo or Ladiesí Home Journal. We have never had a regular date night, nor do we prioritize ďcommunicationĒ or play sex games or see a therapist. He doesnít bring me flowers every Thursday, I donít cook his favorite food very often. But we do have some other ideas.

    1. Go to bed mad.

    The old maxim that you shouldnít go to bed mad is stupid. Sometimes you need to just go to freakiní bed. ďLet not the sun go down upon your wrathĒ is prefaced in the Bible by the phrase ďBe angry and sin not.Ē So, whoís to say it doesnít mean ďStay angry, ####################es. Donít let the sun go down on that awesome fierce wrath of yours.Ē Seriously. Whoever interpreted this to mean that you should stay up after midnight, tear-stained and petulant, trying to iron out some kind of overtired and breathy accord -- was stupid. Shut up, go to bed, let your husband get some sleep. In the morning, eat some pancakes. Everything will seem better, I swear.

    2. Laugh if you can.

    In any fight, there is one person who is really mad, and one person who isnít that mad. That person should deflect the fight. Make a joke, do something stupid or corny, make the other person laugh. If the fight is very serious for you and you feel like you really want to plant your flag and die on this hill, fine. Do it. But if youíre fighting for entertainment, or because youíre just reacting, then you be the one to deflect. Fights are bad. Deflecting a fight whenever possible is a good idea. When youíre the one whoís being pissy and raw, and the other person helps you get out of it and brings about peace, that feels fantastic. This was a hard lesson to learn, for me. Letting Dan deflect a fight is the best thing, now. He does it really well.

    3. Donít criticize. Ever.

    Here is a fact: Whatever critical thing that you are about to say to your wife is already being loudly articulated in her head. And if itís true, she already feels like crap about it. Assuming you married someone intelligent enough to like you and sane enough to let you put a ring on it, trust that they are self-aware enough to know when they screwed up. It may feel good to you in that moment to say the critical thing, let it go ringing through the air in all its sonorous correctness, but it will feel awful to hear it. The only, only way itís beneficial to give your wife criticism of any kind is if youíre absolutely positive she is completely unaware. And you better find the nicest, kindest way possible to tell her. And even then, good luck convincing her. Their recognition of the thing you are helpfully trying to point out will be INHIBITED, not facilitated, by your criticism. And then youíre the asshole. So be careful.

    4. Be the mirror.

    Your husband is the mirror in which you see yourself. And the things you say to him give him an image of himself too, which he will believe. You want him to believe it, so make it good. Be a mirror that reflects something positive: youíre smart, youíre successful, youíre fantastic in the sack, youíre a great provider, youíre the best. Can you MAKE him any of these things just by telling him he is? I donít know, but consider this: the alternative really sucks. The things my husband says to me are 1000 times more convincing than anyone elseís opinion on earth. Donít think he wonít believe you because youíre married and youíre contractually obligated to say nice things. Heíll believe the shitty, insulting things you say, and the gloriously positive things. Listen to Nico, girls:




    5. Be proud and brag.

    Let your spouse hear you talking about them in glowing terms to other people. Be foolish. Be obvious. It will mean everything. You will stay married forever.

    6. Do your own thing.

    Dan races bicycles. I write books. I donít race bicycles or have any desire to race bicycles. He doesnít write books, nor does he even read the books that I write. Seriously. And I donít care. My opinion is that heís the fastest, coolest most awesome bike racer ever. His opinion is that Iím the bestest, coolest writer ever. We donít have to know all about cycling or writing in order to form these opinions -- in fact knowledge of literature or actually reading my book might damage Danís opinion of me as ďbest writer since the dawn of time.Ē We can still support each other without being all up in the other personís stuff. Doing your own thing, having your own friends, being completely insanely passionate about something that the other person has no idea, really, about, is awesome. It allows your spouse to be your cheerleader, uncomplicated by knowledge or personal investment. And it means youíll always have stuff to talk about, because youíre not overlapping all the time. You donít have to read the same books either. You donít have to have the same friends.

    7. Have kids.

    Kids stop you from being as crazy as you want to be. Because when you have kids, you canít be that crazy.


    For example, when I had kids, I stopped smoking. Left to right = Susannah, Joshilyn, Dan, Me.


    8. Get really good at sex.

    Youíve got all the time in the world to get really really good, not just at sex in general, but at having sex with your one particular husband. You should make it your lifeís mission to become the perfect sex machine exactly for him. And he for you. There is no reason to hold back, or be embarrassed, or not ask questions, and get everything working properly. Thereís absolutely no excuse for letting years drag on without becoming fully skilled, gifted sex partners for each other. It makes everything so much better. Does talking about this make you uncomfortable? How uncomfortable would it make you to know that your spouse is secretly, silently ďjust okayĒ with your sexual performance? Yeah. You want to last fifteen years, remember? Thatís a long time to be mildly happy.



    I wrote a novel! It's true.
    Buy my book on Amazon | Buy on B&N | Buy @ Indiebound
    Another one from the comments I believe in as well!

    "I still disagree with #1, "Go to bed mad." I also don't condone sacraficing a night's sleep to hash-out hyperemotional injustices. (I love your description, "tear-stained and petulant.") Rather, I'd suggest to simply skip to #8. Then, get some sleep. Then, eat some pancakes.

    Yeah, I'm a guy.

    Matthew S. Field"
    Who has eyes to see, let them see...

  2. #2
    Get your passport & come ! EloquenceInc is offline
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    @fetegods
    Posts
    13,547
    Credits
    4,351,411
    Lydia Netzer: 15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years

    THURSDAY, APRIL 19, 2012

    15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years

    ...

    9. Move.

    Live in different houses. In different parts of the country. Travel. Make it so that you can look back and divide up your life into the years you spent in different cities, or different houses. If youíre feeling stuck geographically or physically, you can confuse yourself into thinking youíre stuck romantically. See your husband in different places, in different contexts, in different countries even. Try it. Take him to a mountaintop and give him another look. Pretty sexy. Take him to a new city and check out his profile. Along the same lines, donít be afraid to change personally, or let your wife change as a person. Donít worry about ďgrowing apart.Ē Be brave and evolve. Become completely different. Donít gather moss. Stagnation is unattractive.

    10. Stop thinking temporarily.

    Marriage is not conditional. It is permanent. Your husband will be with you until you die. That is a given. It sounds obvious, but really making it a given is hard. You tend to think in ďifsĒ and ďthensĒ even when youíve publicly committed to forever. If he does this, I wonít tolerate it. If I do this, heíll leave me. If I get fat. If I change jobs. If he says mean things. If he doesnít pay more attention. Itís natural, especially in the beginning of your marriage, to keep those doubts in your head. But the sooner you can get go of the idea that marriage is temporary, and will end if certain awful conditions are met, the sooner you will let go of all kinds of conflict and stress. Yes, you may find yourself in a horrible situation where itís absolutely necessary to get a divorce. But going into it with divorce in the back of your mind, even in the way way way back of your mind, is going to cause a lot of unnecessary angst. Accept that youíre going to stay with him. Heís going to stay with you. Inhabit that and figure out how to make THAT work, instead of living with the ďwhat ifĒs and ďin case ofĒs.

    11. Do not put yourself in troubleís way.

    Leave your ex boyfriends and girlfriends alone. Iím sure youíre very trustworthy. Arenít we all? The thing is, thereís absolutely no reason to test it. Your husband and your marriage are more valuable than any friendship. Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately. Protect it with knives and teeth, not because itís fragile but because itís precious. Donít ass around with a ďhall passĒ or a ďharmless flirtation.Ē Adultery isnít an event, itís a process with an event at the end. Donít put your feet on a path that could lead someplace bad.

    12. Make a husband pact with your friends.

    The husband pact says this: I promise to listen to you complain about your husband even in the most dire terms, without it affecting my good opinion of him. I will agree with your harshest criticism, accept your gloomiest predictions. I will nod and furrow my brow and sigh when you describe him as a hideous ogre. Then when your fight is over and love shines again like a beautiful sunbeam in your life, I promise to forget everything you said and regard him as the most charming of princes once more. The husband pact is very useful because you want to be able to vent to your friend without having her actually start hating your husband. Because you donít really mean all those things you say. And she, the swearer of the pact, knows this.

    13. #################### to his mother, not yours.

    This is one I did read somewhere in a magazine, and itís totally true. His mother will forgive him. Yours never will. If youíre a man, #################### to your friends. They expect it.

    14. Be loyal.

    All the crap you read in magazines about honesty, sense of humor, communication, sensitivity, date nights, couples weekends, blah blah blah can be trumped by one word: loyalty. You and your spouse are a team of two. It is you against the world. No one else is allowed on the team, and no one else will ever understand the teamís rules. This is okay. The team is not adversarial, the team does not tear its members down, the team does not sabotage the teamís success. Teammates work constantly to help and better their teammates. Loyalty means you put the other person in your marriage first all the time, and you let them put you first. Loyalty means subverting your whims or desires of the moment to better meet your spouseís whims or desires, with the full understanding and expectation that they will be doing the same. This is the heart of everything, and it is a tricky balance. Sometimes it sways one way and some the other. Sometimes he gets to be crazy, sometimes itís your turn. Sometimes sheís in the spotlight, sometimes you. Ups and downs, ultimately, donít matter because the team endures.

    15. Trust the person you married.

    For two people who are trying to help each other, it can almost be harder to let the other person help you than it is to be the one whoís helping. It can be harder to let the other person deflect the fight than to be the one deflecting. It can be harder to believe that your husband is fully committed to a lifetime of marriage than to commit yourself. Harder to change yourself than to let the other person change. Harder to be loved than to love. Weird, but true. Iím saying this to everyone whoís newly married, and to myself: trust that person. Love them completely and let them love you. If it all goes to seed, itís going to hurt either way. Better to have gone into it full throttle. Full throttle marriage is a thrilling ride.


    Believe me when I tell you: I love this dude.


    What about you? How long do you want to stay married? Do you have any good tips for staying together? Any of the above that you disagree with? Tell me.


    I wrote a novel! It's true.
    Buy my book on Amazon | Buy on B&N | Buy @ Indiebound

    Another one of the comments:

    ‎"There is a meme going around asking an older couple how they could stay married for 65 years. Their reply is that they grew up in an era where you fixed things that were broken, you didn't throw them away."
    Who has eyes to see, let them see...

  3. #3
    Registered User Poca's Avatar Poca is offline
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    home
    Posts
    4,202
    Credits
    87,553,099
    From my experience, people who seek marital and relationship advice already know what the answer they are seeking. They usually want to have someone validate their decision.
    TC likes this.

  4. #4
    Get your passport & come ! EloquenceInc is offline
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    @fetegods
    Posts
    13,547
    Credits
    4,351,411
    Quote Originally Posted by Poca! View Post
    From my experience, people who seek marital and relationship advice already know what the answer they are seeking. They usually want to have someone validate their decision.
    Maybe for relationship stuff when there is still a fight (for it) or flight (move on) decision to be made...

    I give people a little credit, when they are asking about how to make something last or how does something like this work, I think they really want to know.

    *******************
    What do you think of the 15 points in the article though?
    Who has eyes to see, let them see...

  5. #5
    Registered User Poca's Avatar Poca is offline
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    home
    Posts
    4,202
    Credits
    87,553,099
    About the 15 points I think that is probably good for some and not so good for others. I think that the most important factor in any relationship IMO is to make sure that you value and want your SO's true happiness.

    When we really want the best for someone, we give him/her the best of ourselves! It's that simple...

  6. #6
    T-MAKAA
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Poca! View Post
    From my experience, people who seek marital and relationship advice already know what the answer they are seeking. They usually want to have someone validate their decision.
    Maybe when they seek it from their single friends or ones in non-committed relationships... then i will agree.

  7. #7
    Registered User Poca's Avatar Poca is offline
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    home
    Posts
    4,202
    Credits
    87,553,099
    It's not necessarily true because not everyone is in a relationship/married for the same reasons.


    Quote Originally Posted by T-MAKAA View Post
    Maybe when they seek it from their single friends or ones in non-committed relationships... then i will agree.

  8. #8
    Get your passport & come ! EloquenceInc is offline
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    @fetegods
    Posts
    13,547
    Credits
    4,351,411
    Quote Originally Posted by Poca! View Post
    It's not necessarily true because not everyone is in a relationship/married for the same reasons.
    stop focusing on outliers and look at the middle 50%.
    Who has eyes to see, let them see...

  9. #9
    Registered User Poca's Avatar Poca is offline
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    home
    Posts
    4,202
    Credits
    87,553,099
    You can't deny that

  10. #10
    T-MAKAA
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Poca! View Post
    You can't deny that
    I dont think those are the folks being discussed

  11. #11
    T-MAKAA
    Guest
    By the way alot of those points are crap

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •