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Thread: how do i get a friend to see that she is a victim of abuse?

  1. #1
    nikkigiovanni
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    how do i get a friend to see that she is a victim of abuse?

    i have a friend that called me last night in TEARS...because her "man" and her got into an argument...they have been dealing with each other off and on for 10 years...but have been on consistently for the last 9 months...she tells me that he is trying to control who she hangs out with, the way she dresses and is constantly criticizing and berating her..because she is a bubbly, friendly, girl that is well liked and respected by her peers...at this point he is making her doubt herself and he even went as far as to call her a slut when they were arguing...even though i know she is not...he has hit her before, early on in their relationship when they were teens...but hasn't since then...and he has ALWAYS been very controlling, to the point when they were in school together, if she was talking to a make friend in the hallway and he was coming down the hall, she had to stop her conversation mid sentence and leave so that he won't see her...

    so now today she texts me to tell me that he is texting her like crazy, and sending her emails apologizing profusely and that he sounds genuine and she don't know what to do....when i told her he is exhibiting TYPICAL ABUSER CHARACTERISTICS...she says she doesn't see how...i told her to be strong and ignore him and begin to mentally prepare herself to distance herself from him emotionally...and she doesn't know what she wants to do...i told her she is exhibiting TYPICAL VICTIM CHARACTERISTICS by being too forgiving

    now i am not the type of friend that spews some angry "fukk him girl" rhetoric...i try to show her things from a rational, and emotional and psychological perspective...but i don't know how to reach her any further without looking like the angry single friend that wants to break up a friend in a relationship...because my points will get lost

    my question is...how do you get someone to see abuse when they don't know they are being abused?

  2. #2
    Girl Crush Mrs. Campbell's Avatar Mrs. Campbell is offline
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    2 and half credits say this thing goes at least 10 pages.


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  3. #3
    Mad Scorpion
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    She won't see it until she is ready. As a friend you have the toughest job because you have to support her while trying to open her eyes. In many cases abused women are the most stubborn lot and their friends usually run out of patience and give up. Good luck!

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    Girl Crush Mrs. Campbell's Avatar Mrs. Campbell is offline
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    Oh yeah, the 2 and half credits will go to Nikkig (thread starter)..not every tom, chuck and albert.
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  5. #5
    nikkigiovanni
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    Quote Originally Posted by Flickin Killa! View Post
    She won't see it until she is ready. As a friend you have the toughest job because you have to support her while trying to open her eyes. In many cases abused women are the most stubborn lot and their friends usually run out of patience and give up. Good luck!
    what SADDENS my heart is that this girl is the most beautiful, bubbly, kindhearted, sweetest girl i have even known in my life

    she is intelligent, almost finished her degree, well travelled, articulate...there is nothing bad you can say about her...i know he is just jealous and envious of her....she is about to leave for Greece next week, and he is the type of dude (even though he has a degree too) that don't do shit except go to work, (in the field in which he earned his degree) go to the gym, come home and smoke weed and don't really do shit else....and all he does is complain that she is too social, etc etc

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    Notchilous ladyrastafari's Avatar ladyrastafari is offline
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    hmmm good question nikki. some people will never leave until or unless THEY want to leave and usually they don't.. the abuser has stripped down so much of their self esteem that they no longer value themselves and believe that if they leave this man they'll relegate themselves to a lonely life of serious solitary spinsterhood....

    the thing is you can tell her that you will support her as a friend but that you have to let her know, as a friend, that nobody should control her like that.. let her know that in order to love somebody else you MUST love yourself first... then after you reassure her that you are always there to talk if and when she needs it, and that she has to make an effort to leave this relationship before soemthign happens... ask her.. if it were HER daughter in this situation..w ould she want her daughter to stay in a relationship like that??? tell her to think long and hard about that one.. and if she wouldnt then she needs to leave..

    hope it all works out for her.. trust me i've been there with friends..
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  7. #7
    Mad Scorpion
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    Quote Originally Posted by nikkigiovanni View Post
    what SADDENS my heart is that this girl is the most beautiful, bubbly, kindhearted, sweetest girl i have even known in my life

    she is intelligent, almost finished her degree, well travelled, articulate...there is nothing bad you can say about her...i know he is just jealous and envious of her....she is about to leave for Greece next week, and he is the type of dude (even though he has a degree too) that don't do shit except go to work, (in the field in which he earned his degree) go to the gym, come home and smoke weed and don't really do shit else....and all he does is complain that she is too social, etc etc
    Well I hope fuh your and her sake she meet ah man in Greece (dat is not ah fockin homo)

  8. #8
    Registered Member VINCYPOWA's Avatar VINCYPOWA is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by nikkigiovanni View Post
    i have a friend that called me last night in TEARS...because her "man" and her got into an argument...they have been dealing with each other off and on for 10 years...but have been on consistently for the last 9 months...she tells me that he is trying to control who she hangs out with, the way she dresses and is constantly criticizing and berating her..because she is a bubbly, friendly, girl that is well liked and respected by her peers...at this point he is making her doubt herself and he even went as far as to call her a slut when they were arguing...even though i know she is not...he has hit her before, early on in their relationship when they were teens...but hasn't since then...and he has ALWAYS been very controlling, to the point when they were in school together, if she was talking to a make friend in the hallway and he was coming down the hall, she had to stop her conversation mid sentence and leave so that he won't see her...

    so now today she texts me to tell me that he is texting her like crazy, and sending her emails apologizing profusely and that he sounds genuine and she don't know what to do....when i told her he is exhibiting TYPICAL ABUSER CHARACTERISTICS...she says she doesn't see how...i told her to be strong and ignore him and begin to mentally prepare herself to distance herself from him emotionally...and she doesn't know what she wants to do...i told her she is exhibiting TYPICAL VICTIM CHARACTERISTICS by being too forgiving

    now i am not the type of friend that spews some angry "fukk him girl" rhetoric...i try to show her things from a rational, and emotional and psychological perspective...but i don't know how to reach her any further without looking like the angry single friend that wants to break up a friend in a relationship...because my points will get lost

    my question is...how do you get someone to see abuse when they don't know they are being abused?
    TAKE HER TO a VICTIM ABUSE CENTER.

    YUHHHHHHHHH SEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

  9. #9
    nikkigiovanni
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    Quote Originally Posted by ladyrastafari View Post
    hmmm good question nikki. some people will never leave until or unless THEY want to leave and usually they don't.. the abuser has stripped down so much of their self esteem that they no longer value themselves and believe that if they leave this man they'll relegate themselves to a lonely life of serious solitary spinsterhood.... the thing is you can tell her that you will support her as a friend but that you have to let her know, as a friend, that nobody should control her like that.. let her know that in order to love somebody else you MUST love yourself first... then after you reassure her that you are always there to talk if and when she needs it, and that she has to make an effort to leave this relationship before soemthign happens... ask her.. if it were HER daughter in this situation..w ould she want her daughter to stay in a relationship like that??? tell her to think long and hard about that one.. and if she wouldnt then she needs to leave..

    hope it all works out for her.. trust me i've been there with friends..
    the thing is, she has OPTIONS, she is a BEAUTIFUL girl....lemme tell you a story, for her birthday, she had a party at the Leopard Lounge in Manhattan...an ANONYMOUS guy sent her a BOTTLES of Moet and Grey Goose...meanwhile the man never revealed himself to her or tried to get at her...he takes that as an opportunity to berate her and call her names...she can get any man she wants....and she deals with women too...and she can get any woman she wants too....

    this is why i am so sad...because she has no reason to have lowered self esteem...she has TOO MUCH going on for her...she is on top of the world right now

  10. #10
    Girl Crush Mrs. Campbell's Avatar Mrs. Campbell is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by nikkigiovanni View Post
    the thing is, she has OPTIONS, she is a BEAUTIFUL girl....lemme tell you a story, for her birthday, she had a party at the Leopard Lounge in Manhattan...an ANONYMOUS guy sent her a BOTTLES of Moet and Grey Goose...meanwhile the man never revealed himself to her or tried to get at her...he takes that as an opportunity to berate her and call her names...she can get any man she wants....and she deals with women too...and she can get any woman she wants too....

    this is why i am so sad...because she has no reason to have lowered self esteem...she has TOO MUCH going on for her...she is on top of the world right now
    If you say she is all what you say she is, then clearly something is lacking within for her to be dealing with a functioning idiot.
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  11. #11
    Registered User Missmayling's Avatar Missmayling is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by nikkigiovanni View Post
    i have a friend that called me last night in TEARS...because her "man" and her got into an argument...they have been dealing with each other off and on for 10 years...but have been on consistently for the last 9 months...she tells me that he is trying to control who she hangs out with, the way she dresses and is constantly criticizing and berating her..because she is a bubbly, friendly, girl that is well liked and respected by her peers...at this point he is making her doubt herself and he even went as far as to call her a slut when they were arguing...even though i know she is not...he has hit her before, early on in their relationship when they were teens...but hasn't since then...and he has ALWAYS been very controlling, to the point when they were in school together, if she was talking to a make friend in the hallway and he was coming down the hall, she had to stop her conversation mid sentence and leave so that he won't see her...

    so now today she texts me to tell me that he is texting her like crazy, and sending her emails apologizing profusely and that he sounds genuine and she don't know what to do....when i told her he is exhibiting TYPICAL ABUSER CHARACTERISTICS...she says she doesn't see how...i told her to be strong and ignore him and begin to mentally prepare herself to distance herself from him emotionally...and she doesn't know what she wants to do...i told her she is exhibiting TYPICAL VICTIM CHARACTERISTICS by being too forgivingnow i am not the type of friend that spews some angry "fukk him girl" rhetoric...i try to show her things from a rational, and emotional and psychological perspective...but i don't know how to reach her any further without looking like the angry single friend that wants to break up a friend in a relationship...because my points will get lost

    my question is...how do you get someone to see abuse when they don't know they are being abused?

    No woman stays in a relationship for nothing, so lets stop the victim BS. She is with the guy for 10 years. Ask her whats so great about this guy that she is willing to put up with the abuse, and then go from there. She may turn out to be just as dysfunctional as the man, and you are only hearing one side of the story
    The enemy of my enemy is my friend- Arabic proverb

  12. #12
    nikkigiovanni
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    Quote Originally Posted by chinky eyes View Post
    If you say she is all what you say she is, then clearly something is lacking within for her to be dealing with a functioning idiot.
    Quote Originally Posted by Missmayling View Post
    No woman stays in a relationship for nothing, so lets stop the victim BS. She is with the guy for 10 years. Ask her whats so great about this guy that she is willing to put up with the abuse, and then go from there. She may turn out to be just as dysfunctional as the man, and you are only hearing one side of the story
    the only dysfunction i know she has, is the same internal conflict that i struggle with sometimes

    she grew up in a STRICT family of Jehovah's Witnesses...and she struggles with her lesbianism and how it affects her family...when she had gotten thrown out, he took her in and helped her out a lot and she feels some sort of obligation to him...and one of the things he berates her about, is all the stuff he did for her in the past...he knows that she is a lesbian....he deals with other women but they are not a better quality of women than her....it is sorta co-dependent...he holds on to a lesbian because he can't do any better, and she holds on to him out of obligation

  13. #13
    where de crix Oneshot's Avatar Oneshot is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by nikkigiovanni View Post
    the only dysfunction i know she has, is the same internal conflict that i struggle with sometimes

    she grew up in a STRICT family of Jehovah's Witnesses...and she struggles with her lesbianism and how it affects her family...when she had gotten thrown out, he took her in and helped her out a lot and she feels some sort of obligation to him...and one of the things he berates her about, is all the stuff he did for her in the past...he knows that she is a lesbian....he deals with other women but they are not a better quality of women than her....it is sorta co-dependent...he holds on to a lesbian because he can't do any better, and she holds on to him out of obligation
    find another example of abuse, you guys might share a mutual friend who is going through a similar situation, if she can see the fault in someone else relationship maybe lightbulbs will shine

  14. #14
    nikkigiovanni
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oneshot View Post
    find another example of abuse, you guys might share a mutual friend who is going through a similar situation, if she can see the fault in someone else relationship maybe lightbulbs will shine

    well i used myself as an example, because i too had a man in my life that was emotionally abusive just as much as he was supportive...that becomes a vicious cycle


    when a man has your back 100%...sometimes they abuse the trust you have in them...and take advantage of your vulnerability....that is why NOW i NEVER let a man do ANYTHING for me....so when people complain that i don't know how to "let a man be a man"...that's why...

  15. #15
    Taj
    Loyalty to Loyalty Taj's Avatar Taj is offline
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    I made a thread like this a while back.
    It may sound harsh but eventually maybe he will literally or by his words knock some sense into her.
    You would have to talk till yuh tired talk and you still won't be able to get through to her.
    I like girls with long hair
    Your natural hair is ugly
    A friend walked in to his hands around her throat and he wasn't phased
    Constant arguing
    I'm out and he's with his boy asking me "so what's up with your friend?" Excussse me???!!?!
    Her parents have a great marriage have been married 5 years more than her age, good example.

    No rhyme or reason. If yuh wanna play mas yuh cyar fraid powder. Only when you thinking clearly I could be of any help as a friend, til then i'm not huttin up my heart fuh NOONE.

    People can be smart and stupid at the same time. Believe dat.
    Last edited by Taj; 03-05-2010 at 07:31 PM.
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