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Thread: How Being “Nice” Can Be The Shittiest Thing You Can Possibly Do

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    SweetfuhDayz agroDOLCE's Avatar agroDOLCE is offline
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    How Being “Nice” Can Be The Shittiest Thing You Can Possibly Do

    How Being “Nice” Can Be The Shittiest Thing You Can Possibly Do

    Posted on 10/30/2012 by The Champ

    I’ve spent approximately 15 minutes staring at my monitor, trying to think of a way to say what I’m about to say without sounding like an asshole. But, since there is really no way to say “Women — attractive, smart, and option-having women — seem to like me…a lot” without sounding like an asshole, I’ve decided to just come out and say it.

    Mind you, I’m not saying this to brag. I realize that I’m not especially special. I don’t make a ton of money, I’m quite a bit taller than the average man, but not tall enough for my height to really be considered a plus, and although I’m aware that some women are physically attracted to me, I’m not the type a guy that would cause an Elba-esque instaswoon. Even my personality seems to leave much to be desired, as my introverted nature tends to initially come off as either detached, aloof, and arrogant or shy, awkward, and reluctant.

    Yet, despite all of this aggressively but solidly above-averageness, I’ve managed to cultivate many “successful” interactions with quite a few very, very attractive women, which leads me to believe that, right now, the main reason attractive, smart, and option-having women seem to like me is because they’re aware that other attractive, smart, and option-having women also seem to like me. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. (Or something like that)

    Thing is, these successful interactions also have a tendency to end badly. Very badly. Thousand word long text message and restraining order badly. And, until recently, I was utterly clueless why. I mean, along with my aggressively but solidly above-averageness, I’m a nice guy who does nice things and shit. And, nice guys who do nice things and shit aren’t supposed to have to file restraining orders.

    Now, there are myriad possible reasons why my relationships seem to end so shittily, the most obvious being that I may just be attracted to attractive but “unbalanced” women. You could also point out that by every available metric, there are more “eligible” Black women than “eligible” Black men, and this ratio imbalance — and the exaggerated ratio imbalance in some women’s heads — also means that certain women may take “losing” one of these eligible men much harder than they’re supposed to.

    Solid reasons both, but neither really encapsulate the dynamics unique to the interactions I’ve had.

    A couple weeks ago, though, a female friend very, um, “familiar” with my dating history shed some light on why this manages to occur so often…while also completely deconstructing me and my “problems.” (She’s talented)

    (Paraphrasing)

    “You do nice things for women, but you do them in a way that doesn’t seem like you’re only doing them to get some ass. You open doors and walk on the outside of the sidewalk and listen to what I have to say and even return text messages in a reasonable amount of time. Well, at least you return my text messages in a reasonable amount of time. You even always make eye contact.

    Basically, you treat women like they’re special. And, it’s easy to see why they fall for you, because you treating them like they’re special makes them think that you believe they’re special. But, they don’t realize that you treat all women like that, not just the ones you’re trying to f*ck or already f*cking.

    And, when you get bored or antsy or horny or hungry or whatever the hell it is that causes you to do this, you end things. Which is easy for you to do because you don’t have much invested, but it comes out of left field for the women because she thought you thought she was very special.

    You are a nice guy, but you’re a f*cking liar. Which means you’re not really that nice of a guy.”

    I had to defend myself.

    “A liar? You know my history. When have I ever been dishonest?”

    She continued the deconstruction.

    “Dishonesty isn’t always about telling lies. You’re smart enough to know that acting a certain way is going to make women feel a certain way about you, and you do that while knowing you don’t feel the same way about them. You’re not doing this to hurt them intentionally. You’re being “nice” but your form of niceness is one of the meanest things you can do to a woman. Honestly, I’d rather get cheated on or hit by some asshole than have a nice guy I genuinely like pull some shit like that with me.”

    “So in order to truly be a good guy, I have to be more of an asshole?”

    “I’m not saying that. Just, well…ok. Actually, I am saying that. You’re not alone, though. Quote unquote good guys do shit like this all the time. What you’re doing is no different than the guy who stays in a relationship even though he knows it’s going to end. By being nice and not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings, he ends up prolonging it and making it so that when the relationship finally does end, her feelings are hurt even more. You don’t have to be a jerk about it, but just stop treating women like you want them to be your chick if you don’t want them to be your chick. Thing is, that behavior is so ingrained in you that you’re probably unable to change it.”

    “So, wise one, how do I make some changes?”

    “It’s easy. You’re dating attractive women that you don’t really want, and continuing the interactions because you feel like you should want them. You need to stop bullshitting with “safe” chicks you know you can obtain and start putting yourself out there and reaching for who you really want. Maybe you turn asshole and cut off women you’re not super into, but doing this allows them to find someone who would be. Basically, if you stop being a ####################, you’ll also stop being a f*cking liar.”

    “Why do I always regret talking to you?”

    “The truth hurts!”

    —Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

    For those who are quick to come in and say that ppl are looking at an article, taking what it says, and running with it, don't. I'm posting this b/c I want to hear other ppls' opinions. I think it'll be interesting to hear everyone's point of view. this is pulled from a blog-- Very Smart Brothas, btw.

  2. #2
    SweetfuhDayz agroDOLCE's Avatar agroDOLCE is offline
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    i've got a good friend who is like this-- he tells women that he doesn't want anything serious, but his actions may tell them otherwise. i don't think he chooses these women b/c he doesn't really want them and they're "safe," as the article states though. i think he genuinely likes these women but doesn't want to settle down yet b/c two at this point, is better than one.

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    Registered User Minxy is offline
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    thats bs, he's just researching or not pulling what he claims to be...if u like smaddy, u'll want to settle down...point blank

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    Registered User Poca's Avatar Poca is offline
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    Blah blah blah

    People who complain that they are nice and keep getting the short hang of the stick are people who are only looking to gain something ( acceptance, recognition, devotion, love etc). Nothing genuine there.
    Chen ki japé pa mòde!

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    SweetfuhDayz agroDOLCE's Avatar agroDOLCE is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by Triniminx View Post
    thats bs, he's just researching or not pulling what he claims to be...if u like smaddy, u'll want to settle down...point blank
    he's currently dealing with two people. and yeah, i'll give you that i think he's doing research on the more recent girl...he likes her but isn't too sure he wants to "wife her" as he says. IMO, he's not choosing either b/c he likes what he gets from both. are you basically saying that he prob just doesn't like either of them enough that's why he won't settle down?

    a little background info...he was in a relationship w/ someone from high school throughout college (cheated), and afterwards. when he went away for grad school, they broke up. his thing in grad school and even up to now is that he doesn't want a relationship. he wants to wild out. as of late, he's been telling me that he realizes that he isn't the type of person that can hit and run and think nothing of it. he genuinely enjoys talking to and being around women. he doesn't have your typical surface convos w/ these women that he is seeing. he basically acts as though he is their man to a large degree (and i'm sure it's b/c that's the type of treatment he likes in return), yet he tells them he's not looking for anything serious. he basically doesn't know how to keep it light though he tells these ppl that's what he wants.

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    Registered User Minxy is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by agroDOLCE View Post
    he's currently dealing with two people. and yeah, i'll give you that i think he's doing research on the more recent girl...he likes her but isn't too sure he wants to "wife her" as he says. IMO, he's not choosing either b/c he likes what he gets from both. are you basically saying that he prob just doesn't like either of them enough that's why he won't settle down?

    a little background info...he was in a relationship w/ someone from high school throughout college (cheated), and afterwards. when he went away for grad school, they broke up. his thing in grad school and even up to now is that he doesn't want a relationship. he wants to wild out. as of late, he's been telling me that he realizes that he isn't the type of person that can hit and run and think nothing of it. he genuinely enjoys talking to and being around women. he doesn't have your typical surface convos w/ these women that he is seeing. he basically acts as though he is their man to a large degree (and i'm sure it's b/c that's the type of treatment he likes in return), yet he tells them he's not looking for anything serious. he basically doesn't know how to keep it light though he tells these ppl that's what he wants.
    yes ...he has been hurt in the past and now he's playing with the females like he got played...how old is he?

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    SweetfuhDayz agroDOLCE's Avatar agroDOLCE is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by Triniminx View Post
    yes ...he has been hurt in the past and now he's playing with the females like he got played...how old is he?
    i don't necessarily look at it as though he's been hurt so it's payback time. he and i have been good friends for over ten years so i believe that he really just wanted to sow his oats, but i may be wrong. he'll be 30 in a few months.

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    Registered User Minxy is offline
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    yea, he juss aint met the one yet...IMO ...and he coulda gotten hurt before he met u...men talk about women being sensitive but shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, a broken heart will CHANGE they asses

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    SweetfuhDayz agroDOLCE's Avatar agroDOLCE is offline
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    true in they are VERY sensitive. for some reason, i feel that the older they get, the more sensitive they become. at least that's what i've been seeing

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    Registered User pennywhine's Avatar pennywhine is offline
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    ing is fundamental...

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    Registered User Minxy is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by agroDOLCE View Post
    true in they are VERY sensitive. for some reason, i feel that the older they get, the more sensitive they become. at least that's what i've been seeing
    and BITTER...they more they move away from their "ideal" woman, by either gaining weight or losing their looks...they are worse than women

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    Registered User NASDAQ's Avatar NASDAQ is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by Poca! View Post
    Blah blah blah

    People who complain that they are nice and keep getting the short hang of the stick are people who are only looking to gain something ( acceptance, recognition, devotion, love etc). Nothing genuine there.
    OR.. get this..OR
    they were truly nice and got done dirty by the same people they bent over backwards to please. Who took their kindness forgranted
    Triniminx likes this.

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    Radiant Silvergun rayt2009's Avatar rayt2009 is offline
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    It's the age old misconception of being a nice guy = emotional tampon, "do boy", splackavellie, and sound board.

    It's been said, refuted, and done to death. Start looking at how people carry themselves and not exactly what comes out of their mouth. Actions screams while voices whisper.
    "Giving up is hard to do
    When you really love someone
    Giving up .... so hard to do
    When you still depend upon
    Her warm and tender touch
    Her kiss and her hug..........her caress
    Oooooh that used to mean so much
    And bring you happiness"

    - Donny Hathaway

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    Red Man TOLOMB's Avatar TOLOMB is offline
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    Another reason why women are batshitcrazy.....

    If a dude was raised to treat women in a basic fashion of respect....He's nice, but when that same dude tell women that he's not looking for anything serious from the jump and end the relationship when shorty starts catching feelings he's a liar....WTH...SMH.

    What a man says is normally what he means. Women should stop dissecting actions/interactions and just listen to what a dude tells you from jump and if it doesn't change much as the weeks pass then know your place and act accordingly jeez.
    Black Madonna likes this.
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    SAINTSational Nica's Avatar Nica is offline
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    This article is like déjà vu

    I had that exact conversation with my male friend some months ago, or maybe it was last year.

    The point is not that he should not be nice and respectful and start treating women badly. The point is to stop misleading women. If you're not interested in the woman, let her know and let her go. Continuing to date her and treat her like a girlfriend only makes her think she's your girlfriend. But you don't see her that way. End things before it gets out of hand. She's going to be hurt but the longer you keep this up, the more she'll be hurt.
    dollbabi likes this.
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