Page 1 of 6 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 79
Like Tree29Likes

Thread: dealing with other peoples insecurities when they try to project them onto you

  1. #1
    Warrior Queen NikkiGiovanni's Avatar NikkiGiovanni is offline
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    17,826
    Credits
    78,441,244

    dealing with other peoples insecurities when they try to project them onto you

    how do you finesse that situation?

    i keep finding myself in the same situation every so often with one friend...and i know that she is a sensitive and angry person...so every time i try to address this issue, she ends up on some real angry, emotional outburst where she starts to cry...

    it only happens after she has had some drinks, and starts to reflect on herself, her personal life and artistic career...it's like she hates her status in all those areas, and then flips it on me like i am supposed to hate myself and my status as well, and i don't...it's like she wants me to be as miserable as she is, even though i can improve in certain areas...but i am not miserable

    i don't want to make her feel like i am insensitive to her pain, by being okay with myself and telling her that...but i don't want to have to pretend to be as miserable as she is just so that she can have company in her misery....

    every time she talks about her misery, she goes right into everything she THINKS IS WRONG with me, that i should be miserable about....and when i tell her, that those things are not issues for me, she ARGUES with me about it...and it is always based on everything that SHE has a problem with in HER LIFE.....

    i know she has a lot of pain, and i want to be there for her, i just hate when she tries to drag me into her pain
    you ALL AGREE with my opinion, which is why NONE of you ever EFFECTIVELY DISPUTE IT

    you ONLY have faith in the WOMEN'S ability to ELEVATE which is why you only FOCUS ON WOMEN...you ALL have long given up on Black men

    you just don't have the BALLS to OVERTLY AGREE....rather just do it INDIRECTLY

    weak men only can deal with weaker women

    in the presence of strength you diminish...

  2. #2
    LB
    Peace Love n Pretty Tings LB is offline
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    At the Crossroads
    Posts
    19,466
    Credits
    57,234,971
    ~ If you make the mountain any bigger you wont be able to move it later

  3. #3
    Warrior Queen NikkiGiovanni's Avatar NikkiGiovanni is offline
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    17,826
    Credits
    78,441,244
    Quote Originally Posted by LB View Post
    i was REALLY hoping that YOU could give me some sound advice on how to finesse these situations
    you ALL AGREE with my opinion, which is why NONE of you ever EFFECTIVELY DISPUTE IT

    you ONLY have faith in the WOMEN'S ability to ELEVATE which is why you only FOCUS ON WOMEN...you ALL have long given up on Black men

    you just don't have the BALLS to OVERTLY AGREE....rather just do it INDIRECTLY

    weak men only can deal with weaker women

    in the presence of strength you diminish...

  4. #4
    LB
    Peace Love n Pretty Tings LB is offline
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    At the Crossroads
    Posts
    19,466
    Credits
    57,234,971
    Quote Originally Posted by NikkiGiovanni View Post
    i was REALLY hoping that YOU could give me some sound advice on how to finesse these situations
    I'm not going to be of much help truthfully.

    had the same thing happen earlier this week. Person was distant with me -which I didnt study too hard - but then tried to make it like I was mad/angry/upset with them and tried to put me on the defensive by asking me what my problem was with them.

    Made my head spin.... ..then I got angry. lol

    I just cut it all off at the knees cause stuff like tends to get to me. Long story short, from personal experience, I dont deal "gracefully" with the above.

    Self-preservation mode kicks in with me b/c I've experienced that when ppl act like they above they eventually turn and come for your jugular at some point. They somehow tear you down even when you are constantly understanding of the plight. If they cant get you to join them in their misery they try to destroy you in some other fashion.

    Hopefully, some one else can give you better "and what would Jesus do?" advice than I can.
    ~ If you make the mountain any bigger you wont be able to move it later

  5. #5
    DSP
    Heri DSP's Avatar DSP is offline
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    EALW
    Posts
    8,416
    Credits
    75,559,240
    Unfortunately, stupidity and ignorance can be entertaining.

    Goodle this you 50 year old crusty vagina





    --oh yes jigger boozers ever lasting wahr with the "lovers of empresses and hafrican queens" should be ashamed ~jigga boozy aka Carlo Pagan

    --I like disrespect especially ones that dont involve cursing and nugga nugga nugga watch subject matter ~jigga boozy aka Carlo Pagan

  6. #6
    Warrior Queen NikkiGiovanni's Avatar NikkiGiovanni is offline
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    17,826
    Credits
    78,441,244
    DSP likes this.
    you ALL AGREE with my opinion, which is why NONE of you ever EFFECTIVELY DISPUTE IT

    you ONLY have faith in the WOMEN'S ability to ELEVATE which is why you only FOCUS ON WOMEN...you ALL have long given up on Black men

    you just don't have the BALLS to OVERTLY AGREE....rather just do it INDIRECTLY

    weak men only can deal with weaker women

    in the presence of strength you diminish...

  7. #7
    Registered User Minxy is offline
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    30,928
    Credits
    17,544,930
    Quote Originally Posted by NikkiGiovanni View Post
    how do you finesse that situation?

    i keep finding myself in the same situation every so often with one friend...and i know that she is a sensitive and angry person...so every time i try to address this issue, she ends up on some real angry, emotional outburst where she starts to cry...

    it only happens after she has had some drinks, and starts to reflect on herself, her personal life and artistic career...it's like she hates her status in all those areas, and then flips it on me like i am supposed to hate myself and my status as well, and i don't...it's like she wants me to be as miserable as she is, even though i can improve in certain areas...but i am not miserable

    i don't want to make her feel like i am insensitive to her pain, by being okay with myself and telling her that...but i don't want to have to pretend to be as miserable as she is just so that she can have company in her misery....

    every time she talks about her misery, she goes right into everything she THINKS IS WRONG with me, that i should be miserable about....and when i tell her, that those things are not issues for me, she ARGUES with me about it...and it is always based on everything that SHE has a problem with in HER LIFE.....

    i know she has a lot of pain, and i want to be there for her, i just hate when she tries to drag me into her pain
    ...you should lead by example, if u have common grounds where u've both missed out, and you are fine with it, then she can wallow in her misery by her damn self...don't forget that misery loves company...i have a friend like that, because people talk about her negatively, she tries to make me feel like they talkin about me too, but the difference is, im not out there like she is so is SHE who have to feel a way bout it...if they lumping me in, so what, lies don't phase me .. i plain out told her the other day...whatever she hear bout me, she can believe it or not, it nah concern me and i don't appreciate her trying to make me feel bad about myself...she and i BOTH know the dirt that she has done, i couldn't match her if i tried ..well maybe if i tried but, not my kina ting

  8. #8
    Warrior Queen NikkiGiovanni's Avatar NikkiGiovanni is offline
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    17,826
    Credits
    78,441,244
    Quote Originally Posted by LB View Post
    I'm not going to be of much help truthfully.

    had the same thing happen earlier this week. Person was distant with me -which I didnt study too hard - but then tried to make it like I was mad/angry/upset with them and tried to put me on the defensive by asking me what my problem was with them.

    Made my head spin.... ..then I got angry. lol

    I just cut it all off at the knees cause stuff like tends to get to me. Long story short, from personal experience, I dont deal "gracefully" with the above.

    Self-preservation mode kicks in with me b/c I've experienced that when ppl act like they above they eventually turn and come for your jugular at some point. They somehow tear you down even when you are constantly understanding of the plight. If they cant get you to join them in their misery they try to destroy you in some other fashion.

    Hopefully, some one else can give you better "and what would Jesus do?" advice than I can.

    yea, i did that once, and was told that i was being passive aggressive

    and the constant tearing down is what i can't deal with....it's like it puts me in a weird position because you want to be sensitive to their pain and misery...but then you have to defend yourself as well....and defending yourself might be a slight against them and increase their pain
    you ALL AGREE with my opinion, which is why NONE of you ever EFFECTIVELY DISPUTE IT

    you ONLY have faith in the WOMEN'S ability to ELEVATE which is why you only FOCUS ON WOMEN...you ALL have long given up on Black men

    you just don't have the BALLS to OVERTLY AGREE....rather just do it INDIRECTLY

    weak men only can deal with weaker women

    in the presence of strength you diminish...

  9. #9
    Warrior Queen NikkiGiovanni's Avatar NikkiGiovanni is offline
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    17,826
    Credits
    78,441,244
    Quote Originally Posted by Triniminx View Post
    ...you should lead by example, if u have common grounds where u've both missed out, and you are fine with it, then she can wallow in her misery by her damn self...don't forget that misery loves company...i have a friend like that, because people talk about her negatively, she tries to make me feel like they talkin about me too, but the difference is, im not out there like she is so is SHE who have to feel a way bout it...if they lumping me in, so what, lies don't phase me .. i plain out told her the other day...whatever she hear bout me, she can believe it or not, it nah concern me and i don't appreciate her trying to make me feel bad about myself...she and i BOTH know the dirt that she has done, i couldn't match her if i tried ..well maybe if i tried but, not my kina ting
    that's what i don't know how to do...i can only be ME....lemme give a few examples

    when it comes to weight (she is MUCH MUCH smaller than me) but she OBSESSES over weight, she then flips that on me, like i am supposed to have issues with my weight, and because i don't, it ANGERS her

    she is a struggling musician, that isn't satisfied with her music career...so she brings up my writing, and insists that i should quit my job because SHE KNOWS that i HATE my job...even though i don't hate my job at all, i love and appreciate my job because it affords me the standard of living that i have become accustomed to, and i in no way want to be a full time struggling artist


    i also live in a neighborhood that she can't afford to live in....so she tries to convince me to move, every chance she gets...she hates her living situation and her neighborhood...and she tries to convince me that where i live is not ideal


    i don't know how to defend myself when she goes off, without making her feel worse about her situation
    you ALL AGREE with my opinion, which is why NONE of you ever EFFECTIVELY DISPUTE IT

    you ONLY have faith in the WOMEN'S ability to ELEVATE which is why you only FOCUS ON WOMEN...you ALL have long given up on Black men

    you just don't have the BALLS to OVERTLY AGREE....rather just do it INDIRECTLY

    weak men only can deal with weaker women

    in the presence of strength you diminish...

  10. #10
    ***//\\*** femmeayitienne's Avatar femmeayitienne is offline
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    NJ
    Posts
    10,328
    Credits
    72,326,384
    Have you ever tried just flat out confronting her?

    I'm not good with situations like these because apparently i'm not "tactful" enough...I just think everyone else have issues
    Triniminx likes this.

  11. #11
    Warrior Queen NikkiGiovanni's Avatar NikkiGiovanni is offline
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    17,826
    Credits
    78,441,244
    Quote Originally Posted by femmeayitienne View Post
    Have you ever tried just flat out confronting her?

    I'm not good with situations like these because apparently i'm not "tactful" enough...I just think everyone else have issues
    YES!!!!!

    and she always ends up CRYING....she told me i was being passive-aggressive, because i usually just let her rant

    she ends up getting more angered, and we end up in a HUGE argument and tells me that i hurt her feelings because me telling her that she is an angry person is an assassination of her character...blah blah blah

    i guess i am not tactful enough either, and that is why i was trying to get tips because this keeps happening every so often
    you ALL AGREE with my opinion, which is why NONE of you ever EFFECTIVELY DISPUTE IT

    you ONLY have faith in the WOMEN'S ability to ELEVATE which is why you only FOCUS ON WOMEN...you ALL have long given up on Black men

    you just don't have the BALLS to OVERTLY AGREE....rather just do it INDIRECTLY

    weak men only can deal with weaker women

    in the presence of strength you diminish...

  12. #12
    LB
    Peace Love n Pretty Tings LB is offline
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    At the Crossroads
    Posts
    19,466
    Credits
    57,234,971
    Quote Originally Posted by NikkiGiovanni View Post
    yea, i did that once, and was told that i was being passive aggressive

    and the constant tearing down is what i can't deal with....it's like it puts me in a weird position because you want to be sensitive to their pain and misery...but then you have to defend yourself as well....and defending yourself might be a slight against them and increase their pain
    how are you passive-aggressive in that situation if you are the one who makes it clear that you have an issue with what has been done or said?

    I'm with femme...I know you are worried about her being slighted but sometimes that is what needs to be put on the table. How does a relationship work if you tip-toe endlessly around someone 's feelings when their behaviour is hurting you as well.

    You are just enabling her misery and projection on to her by not letting her know that you see a pattern of behaviour in her. Surely she will cry a bit with being confronted but she will move past it and maybe see her own actions in another light....or come clean with whether she really has a problem with you (never know what is lurking in someone's psyche).
    ~ If you make the mountain any bigger you wont be able to move it later

  13. #13
    Registered User OverLord Strum's Avatar OverLord Strum is offline
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    13th Amendment
    Posts
    18,190
    Credits
    51,621,448
    Have you and her had sex?
    Strum has a Grizzly Bear Rug in his living room.

    It's not dead however...It's just SCARED TO MOVE.

  14. #14
    Warrior Queen NikkiGiovanni's Avatar NikkiGiovanni is offline
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    17,826
    Credits
    78,441,244
    Quote Originally Posted by OverLord Strum View Post
    Have you and her had sex?
    no....she is straight
    you ALL AGREE with my opinion, which is why NONE of you ever EFFECTIVELY DISPUTE IT

    you ONLY have faith in the WOMEN'S ability to ELEVATE which is why you only FOCUS ON WOMEN...you ALL have long given up on Black men

    you just don't have the BALLS to OVERTLY AGREE....rather just do it INDIRECTLY

    weak men only can deal with weaker women

    in the presence of strength you diminish...

  15. #15
    Registered User BacchanalDiva's Avatar BacchanalDiva is offline
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    In Oshun's embrace
    Posts
    15,824
    Credits
    8,696,811
    Quote Originally Posted by NikkiGiovanni View Post
    YES!!!!!

    and she always ends up CRYING....she told me i was being passive-aggressive, because i usually just let her rant

    she ends up getting more angered, and we end up in a HUGE argument and tells me that i hurt her feelings because me telling her that she is an angry person is an assassination of her character...blah blah blah

    i guess i am not tactful enough either, and that is why i was trying to get tips because this keeps happening every so often
    I'm not an insensitive person at all and I get that you value this friendship but, I think I'd have to freeze her out. Either she'll miss you and get it together or that will be that.
    "Those who are able to see beyond the shadows and lies of their culture will never be understood, let alone believed, by the masses." -Plato

    "god is the deification of a culture."
    -Dr Yosef ben-Jochannan

Page 1 of 6 123 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •