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Thread: The Best of Craigslist

  1. #1
    coeur Chillybebee's Avatar Chillybebee is offline
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    Talking The Best of Craigslist

    An Open Letter to My Girlfriend's Cat


    Listen, I get that you're a cat. I'm actually OK with all that. I like not having to take you on 5am walks or to pry a slobbery, grass-caked tennis ball out of your food hole only to throw it again so that you can have a cheap thrill. You're above all that. But still... gimme a break, shithead!

    It's like, I'm minding my own business, asleep in my bed, totally dreaming about pizza, and you lay down on my face! Hey, ass butt, news flash: I need that to breath and live! Don't sleep on it! Shit! Also I can smell your butt when you do that, because your idiot moron cat brain makes you think that I might actually WANT to smell it (which I totally don't) so you deftly position it right in front of my nose. Here's a shocker, my friend - your butt smells bad! It smells like a butt that just got pooped out of! DIARRHEA pooped out of. I'm no vet, but you should get that checked out. I know the whole barbed johnson thing makes gettin' some a bit less complicated for you, but I can tell you from personal experience that girls don't want to be constantly reminded that you have an asshole and poop comes out of it.

    While I'm on the topic of excretion, I can't help but notice that you scramble to jump head-first into the toilet every time I'm in the middle of peeing into it. One day I'll actually let you go ahead and do it, because you don't seem to want to learn that lesson the easy way. Your best bet is to stay on the outside looking in... things aren't as glamorous in there as you seem to think. Still, having to leave the toilet seat lid down to protect you from making an enormous (albeit inevitable) mistake is getting old. WAY old.

    What the frick is that awful sound you make? Are you meowing or gargling or what? Make up your damn mind! I understand that cats make a few different sounds, but you try to fit them all into one breath, and it sounds like vomit passing through a 3rd-grader's hand-me-down flutaphone. Pick a sound and stick with that, but NOT at 4am, and NOT while you're sleeping on my face with your stinky anus under my nose, you slut.

    Listen, genius, when a door to a room is closed, that means that there is no physical way for you to get into that room, no matter how bad you might want to. I see that you're able to fit a paw under the door, but try as you might (and you always do), your entire body will NOT fit through the crack under the door. Fatty. Trust me on this one!

    Do you even understand the concept of eating? Food goes in your mouth, you chew it, then you swallow it. In that order. It's a fairly intuitive and innate process; or so I would've thought, until I spent a few days hanging around with YOUR ass. You seem to prefer going through several rounds of chewing food and spitting it back out onto the floor before you decide on some pieces you might be interested in swallowing. Also, swallow what's in your mouth before you drink out of your water bowl. I'm sorry, it's just good manners. It's probably also important for you to understand that when you open your mouth to drink, whatever was in there will FALL BACK OUT if you haven't swallowed it yet. Cat food probably tastes gross enough without you ruining a cool, refreshing water dish with tuna flavoring. Get a life.

    You have the most pungent and repulsive feces of any animal I've ever heard of, living or dead, real or imaginary. If I could bottle that scent, it could easily be used as biological warfare. I'm serious, we could end this skirmish in the middle east with the contents of the plastic baggie sitting on my front porch waiting for the garbageman. I didn't know it was possible to turn cat food and water into something that actually smells far, far worse than cat food. Nice work. Ass.

    I don't hate you, buddy. You're cute, and occasionally heartwarming. But damn! Don't drink disgusting flowerpot water! Also don't do the other things I've mentioned here. Seriously, don't.
    Blessed

  2. #2
    coeur Chillybebee's Avatar Chillybebee is offline
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    [QUOTE][TO THE WOMAN WHO IS BLOWING MY BOSS

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Don't call and immediately ask "Who is this?" Who am I? I'm the same receptionist who has answered the phone the past 8 times you've tried to reach him. Who are YOU? You're the one who is calling me. Say your name, why you are calling and if you're polite, I may transfer you. If I feel like it.

    Don't say that I don't need to know why you're calling. By now you should have realized that he will only answer the phone if he knows who is calling and the reason why they are calling. If he doesn't feel like dealing with you at that particularly moment, get over it.

    Don't call "to talk." I know you're friends are impressed that you're giving sloppy blowjobs to a 40-something executive a few days per week, but he can't be at your beck and call 24/7. There's the 11:00 meeting. Then lunch. Then the 2:00 meeting. Then a meeting at 4:00 to tell them other executives what happened at the 11:00 and 2:00 meetings. If he doesn't even have time to yell at me for hanging up on you (which you swore he would), then he doesn't have time to talk.

    Don't pester me as to why he didn't return your 2:30 phone call. It's probably because he knows you'll call again at 3:30. And he won't return that call either.

    Don't make small talk. "How are you?" "How is your day going?" Receptionists hate this shit. You're the 159th person who has called the office today. How am I? I'm annoyed that I had to pick up the phone 159 times only to hear people grumble about how so-and-so hasn't returned their phone calls or e-mails. Get in line. Your message is number 31 on his voicemail. Also, I really don't care how your day is going.

    Don't try to be my friend. There is nothing a receptionist detests more than someone with verbal diarrhea. "Does he still love me? We haven't had sex in a week. Is anyone else calling his office besides me? Is he going to buy my flowers? Does he talk to you about me? What does he say?" Shut the ################ up. The only thing I'm thinking about is when I can go on break because I've had to pee for the past 10 minutes. When you ramble I don't listen to a single world you say.

    Don't give me your phone number and ask him to call you. I have caller ID. I know your work, house, cell phone numbers and when I see them on the caller ID, I simply groan, "I hate it when this idiot calls."


    It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


    /QUOTE]
    Blessed

  3. #3
    I breed Ank Panty Droppa's Avatar Panty Droppa is offline
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    that site is jokes

  4. #4
    coeur Chillybebee's Avatar Chillybebee is offline
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    Cool

    Me: Crutches, cast, standing. You: blonde, no crutches, sitting J-Line -

    A few weeks ago I made a poor life decision. I decided to race the 38 bus from Van Ness to Powell down O'Farell. I've done this many many times before (did I mention that I was on a skateboard? No? My bad.) and always won. This time was different. I ate shit in a rather spectacular fashion and ended up banging my shin on a parked car whilst flying through the air. End result? Broken right leg (tibia AND fibia) and some road rash. And I lost the race with the bus. Thank god for health insurance.

    Flash forwards to yesterday, 5pm, 24th St and Church. I had to get out of the house, my insane alcoholic roommate was doing his whole "I wish I was at a rave but I'm not so I am going to speaker tweak in the kitchen by myself after drinking 3 bottles of Two Buck Chuck and dance like a madman" thing, and I wasn't down to be around for that. So I decide to go to my favorite taqueria, El Castillito. I can hear you now, you say, "But wait! Casa Mexicana is right there! Why don't you just get a cochinita pibil burrito and not have to hobble onto the J line?" I tell you why: El Castillito has the best Al Pastor style pork burrito in SF, way better than that crap Pibil they server at Casa Mexicana. Casa Mexicana, phhhbbbttth!

    So this is a lot of leadup, but there is some payoff. I gimp crutch myself down to Church, luckily just as the J is pulling up. I get on the front of the car, and the first seats are taken up, as well as the first few rows, in fact, all the seats in the front half of the car are taken, and I'll be damned if I am going to hobble back to the back, especially if the car is moving, this is a recipe for me to fall down, something that I have a very strong dislike of (reasonably so, given recent events).

    And there you were, cute, blond, about 25, sitting in the front-side-facing row of seats, right under the sign that says something to the effect of "Federal Law required one must get up when retards, old fogeys, or F-ING CRIPPLES LIKE ME need the space" To top it off you are (astute readers will know where I am heading here....wait for it.....wait for it..........) yammering away on your cellphone, "OH MY GOD! It's 80 degrees in Milwaukee today? Its so totally freezing here! I hate it! I am SO jealous!" ####################, if I was going to move somewhere I would familiarize myself with the weather first, and then not complain. No one held a gun to your head and said, move to SF or I'll shoot you. Besides, a few weeks ago it was snowing in Milwaukee, you were probably gloating to your same vapid friends then about the weather out here, find something meaningful to talk about or STFU.

    I tried to make eye contact with you, but you probably thought I was being creepy and wanted to talk to you so I could ask you out or something. WRONG. I wanted to sit my tired ass down, you ever try to lug 240lbs around on a pair of crutches? Not easy. I would've asked someone else to move, but they were all FAR more decrepit looking than you, and all appeared to be at least 60 years old. I kept hopping around like an idiot so I wouldn't fall over (you ever try to stand on one foot while holding two big sticks and the vertical bar on a MUNI train?) hoping you would get the message, but you didn't. Finally you hung up your call and I asked you if I could sit down, but you ignored me like and acted like you couldn't see the 6'4 guy on crutches standing (bobbing and weaving?) 18 inches away from your head. By this time we were almost at Market anyways, so it wasn't worth arguing about.

    In spite of all this, you do have all the qualities prized by a superficial man like myself, and we should go out. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you were just shocked that California isn't always sunny and warm like Baywatch led you to believe, and your brain just shut down for those 9 minutes.

    Or maybe not, maybe you're just a selfish ####################, much like the last girl I dated
    Blessed

  5. #5
    coeur Chillybebee's Avatar Chillybebee is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by DUTTY{HD} View Post
    that site is jokes
    why am I now finding this out...lol...the story with the guy with the crutches and the other 'bout the girlfriend's cat...had me cthu.
    Blessed

  6. #6
    I breed Ank Panty Droppa's Avatar Panty Droppa is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chillybebee View Post
    why am I now finding this out...lol...the story with the guy with the crutches and the other 'bout the girlfriend's cat...had me cthu.
    go to nyc

    then go to rants & raves

    the best lol

  7. #7
    coeur Chillybebee's Avatar Chillybebee is offline
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    Wink

    Quote Originally Posted by DUTTY{HD} View Post
    go to nyc

    then go to rants & raves

    the best lol
    aight I'm gonna take a look.
    Blessed

  8. #8
    coeur Chillybebee's Avatar Chillybebee is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by DUTTY{HD} View Post
    go to nyc

    then go to rants & raves

    the best lol
    That's some sick people right there....and don't get me started on the racist idiots.
    Blessed

  9. #9
    coeur Chillybebee's Avatar Chillybebee is offline
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    Couch - Very Uncomfortable, Red - $3.75


    Hello. Here is my couch. I hate this couch and it needs to get out of my house. It is the worst couch I have ever seen. I sat on it and now I'm in a back brace. I let my dog have the couch, but then he died on it, so I don't really need it anymore. I miss my dog and I hate this couch. I'm asking $3.75 for the couch because thats how much Buck's favorite chew toy cost me each month. However, I'll consider other offers. I would just throw this couch into the river, but I hurt my back sitting on the couch.

    A little more about the couch:
    I bought it 3 months ago.
    I paid $900
    It came from this swanky furniture place
    I hate the couch
    It is uncomfortable and will probably put you in a back brace
    Blessed

  10. #10
    coeur Chillybebee's Avatar Chillybebee is offline
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    Thumbs up

    So Here's The Situation


    I am a very attractive Spanish/Canadian woman in my mid-twenties. I have the classic mediterrenean look. I have the face of Catherine Zeta-Jones, tanned complexion and have been told by many that although my breasts are a little bigger than average they are quite nice. I graduated university only recently, and have a decent job.

    However, I have a dilemna......as attractive as I am, the biggest problem I have is holding onto a guy. It is not because I have mental problems or anything, I am quite sane, but there is something that I can't control...see...I have bad gas. I blow really enormous farts all the time, and for the most part they stink really badly. This is just my luck, I am a totally attractive woman, but eventually a guy will find out, that I blow big farts on a regular basis, and they stink horribly. There are probably some guys reading this saying how they can get past all of that, but before you e-mail me let me give you some examples of how my farting can compromise things.

    Just two weeks ago I was at Schmooze, and I met this cute guy, he bought me drinks, and then next thing I know I am making out with him on the dance floor. He didn't know about my farting problem on the dance floor cause all the cologne and perfume that everyone was wearing I guess masked it. It wasn't until we went to a bathroom stall to makeout that my secret slipped out. There he was one hand on my breast, and the other on my left ass cheek, and I let out this unbelievably loud fart, and he opened his eyes, stepped back, and passed out. My farting can interfere with sex too. I mean think about it, there you are taking me from behind, when all of a sudden, you hear this Tuba-like sound coming out of my ass, and there it is for you, the Chili we had at dinner. Even just sleeping bed could be problematic, there you are trying to fall a sleep, and I am right next to you tooting like there is no tomorrow. My farting has been a problem in my current job. Poor Marilyn, the middle aged woman that sat next to my desk is on extended sick leave. It's a good thing they invented Febreeze, I go through about a bottle a week.

    Other than that, I am intelligent, funny, cultured and well travelled. I am a lot fun to be with, and think that I would make a good companion. So if there are any guys that are interested, and can get past my farting problem, or at least are willing to make a genuine attempt, e-mail me...your pic gets mine.
    Blessed

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