Guyanese the religion. - by Asif De Rebel

note : It's written in pure Guyanese, so read aloud to get it. If anything here offends you, by all means bang your head against the wall a few times to show your disapproval.

1. God : Thou can only worship wan god, he name Jagan. If yuh drunk, you can worship someone else, like a cricketer or somebady, but he muss be Guyanese and mek plenty runs.

2. Diet : Thou shud eat everything in e curry form. Yuh can only bruk dis rule to eat cookup. When yuh go out, you muss only order aloo pie, with lots of achar. or fry rice. If yuh order doubles yuh ah Trini wannabe. If you say curry chicken instead of chicken curry, I am ashamed of you. FOR NO TRU TRU GUYANESE SAY CURRIED CHICKEN.

3. Charity : Thou or thy parents should send huge barrels back home. Yuh should send toys and sweetie and tv and video games, and all dem nice things yuh pickney dem nah get here. The only reason is suh , yuh family dem back home, think yuh doin so great and mek lots of money in merika or canada or england or where eva yuh deh.

4. Names : Thou last name can only be Singh, Ram-something, Ali, Khan and proberly like 10 other names we will accept.

5. Promised land : Thou shall always think of Richmond Hill as the promised land. Weh else can you triple park wit yuh Honda, blastin' sum ole music, like Nannie Whine, trying to halla ova de music, fa trouble some gyal pon Liberty Ave wit too much make up on and she schew she teeth, acting like she nah hear yuh.

6. Holy messages : Thou shall watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, 6 million times. Yuh only watch de movie, cause everybady be talking about it, you didn't really like it (if you ah guy), but you always tell pple how de movie nice bad, cause dat's what everyone else is saying.

7. Tool : Thou shall know dat the cutlass is a proud an noble tool. From cuttin' cane ah back dam, to brad-siding somebady; show respect.

8. Skills : Thou shall treat stealing as wan art. De better you at teefin' the better Guyanese you are. If you can't teef well, you should make up by knowing alot of teefin' pple. This includes, teefing cable, and goin' to pple house fa hookie jam and teefing thier phone. The most noble of teefin' is he who steal someone remote and den pass by and change the channels.

9. Oral doctrines : Thou shall only sing old old song when drunk. If yuh can't knack drunk pon de table, be sure to have a fellow Guyanese do the hunors.

10. Dress code : Thou shall know someone wit gold teeth. De only reason, is cause you have some unkle who always wan open the bottle wit he teeth. Guess he pay sense now. If you youn' den yuh get fa wear yuh daddy size pants, so it look like eh guh fall down. If you old, yuh get fa wear yuh pickney size pants, and you walk around like man in thights.

11. Messangers : Thou shall only follow messangers like Sridevi, Bachan, Sharuk, and de list ah star bai and gyals go on and on. Some odda messangers are pple like Sundar Popo, Sunny man, Terry Gajraj.

12. Drinking : Thou shall only drink Heinken, Corona, Bacaradi or white rum. Yuh can only get as drunk as the company yuh in. Like if yuh rass ah drink a rum shap with alot of men deh, yuh can only get drunk, when you get home, like then you ready fa talk shupidness and knock down pots. In related issues, if you gonna dance, yuh muss fall down couple times, suh everyone will know yuh drunk fa real. If yuh young, de next day yuh nah stop boasting, how much you drink.

13. Pilgrimage : Thou should go back to Guyana, every few years, and spend madd money, mek sure yuh try fa talk perfect english and act white, with alot of emphassis on ACT, cause pple ah go back ah Guyana and try fa eat muffins with knife and fork. Also tell pple how much white man you smart.

14. Devil : Thou shall know atlest wan person who ketch jumbie. Yuh should also know someone who do obyah, or someone who can tek wan broom an jahray. There is a sect that think Burnham is de devil, but then there is some pple who worship he. So meh nah know wha happend deh.

Ah know there will be many diff versions coming out soon. But always remember the first one is from a tru tru Guyanese, called Asif De Rebel. AsifDeRebel@aol.com