IslandMix

>THE FIRST AFFAIR
>A married man was having an affair with his
>secretary. One day, their passions overcame
>them and they took off for her house, where
>they made passionate love all afternoon.
>Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep,
>awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on
>his clothes, he told the woman to take his
>shoes outside and rub them through the grass
>and dirt.
>Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped
>into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you
>been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
>house.
>"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having
>an affair with my secretary and we've been having
>sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake
>up until eight o'clock."
>The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You
>lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
>==============================================
>THE SECOND AFFAIR
>There was a middle-aged couple that had two
>stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The
>couple decided to try one last time for the
>son they always wanted. After months of trying,
>the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,
>delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
>The joyful father rushed into the nursery to
>see his new son.
>He took one look and was horrified to see the
>ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his
>wife and told her there was no way he could be
>the father of that child.
>"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
>Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have
>you been fooling around on me?"
>The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this
>time!"
>=============================================
>THE THIRD AFFAIR
>A mortician was working late one night. It was
>his job to examine the dead bodies before they
>were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
>examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about
>to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery.
>Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
>seen!
>"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician,
>"but I can't send you off to be cremated with a
>tremendously huge private part like this. It
>has to be saved for posterity."
>With that, the coroner used his tools to remove
>the dead man's unit. He stuffed his prize into
>a briefcase and took it home.
>The first person he showed it to was his wife.
>"I have something to show you that you won't
>believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
>"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is
>dead!"
>============================================
>THE FOURTH AFFAIR
>A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
>her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she
>said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
>rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him
>with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you
>to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
>"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
>entered the room.
>"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
>"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked
>it so much, I got one for us too."
>No more was said about the statue, not even later
>when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning,
>the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
>and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
>glass of milk.
>"Here," he said to the statue! , "eat something. I
>stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days
>and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"
>============================================
>THE FIFTH AFFAIR
>A man walks into a night club one night. He goes
>up to the bar and asks for a beer.
>"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
>"One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
>So the man glances over at the menu and asks,
>"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with
>chips, peas and a fried egg?"
>"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that
>comes to real money."
>"How much money?" inquires the man.
>"4 cents," the bartender replied.
>"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy
>who owns this place?"
>The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
>The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your
>wife?"
>The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm
>doing to his business."
>=============================================
>THE SIXTH AFFAIR
>Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
>candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
>hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
>roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
>pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling,"
>he whispered.
>"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
>He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
>voice, "I have something that I must confess."
>"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
>Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
>"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
>with your sister, your best friend, her best friend
>and your mother!"
>"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's
>why I poisoned you!!
>
>

Oh ghosh lol

lol...long but funny...